The pre and post Christmas rush, crush and tumble in shopping centres is enough to test the nerves of even the most hardened retailer and most experienced shopper. It’s the shopping amateurs who make it difficult, the people who shop less than ten times a year who slow us down and detract from our experience. yet it’s these people we crave as they spend big when bedazzled by the bright lights of Christmas retail.
What to do? How to deal with these retail amateurs?
Here are my rant and rules for amateur shoppers and the busy retail season generally. Feel free to add more – it’s therapeutic.
- You are not alone. The shopping mall is a shared place, not your private dream factory. Be awake and aware. You are not alone!
- Shop with a purpose, always have a destination. Dawdling through the centre blocks those of us on a mission.
- Keep to the left. This is Australia people! Follow the road rules.
- Faster walkers, keep to the right.
- Imagine there is a line in the middle of the mall. The people on the other side of the line (double yellow lines in fact) are walking in the other direction. Yes, just like on the road. Get it?
- If three, four or more are walking together, walk behind each other not across. The blockage created while you talk to each other ruins shopping for the crowd swelling behind you.
- I like that couples hold hands but be considerate when the centre is packed, let people separate you from your loved-one for a second while they pass. Your loved-one won;t run away!
- Shopping centres should have a foot traffic lane for people who work there – so they can avoid the slower shoppers.
- Walk in a straight line. If you want to cross the mall, indicate, look left and right – DO NOT JUST DART OUT IN FRONT OF SOMEONE CARRYING MORE THAN IS HUMANLY POSSIBLE AND CAUSING THEM TO FALL.
- Know how much your purchase will be if you are buying five items or less and have the money ready to go.
- No, don’t lick your fingers and then fondle your $5, $10, $20 and $50 notes with your saliva enriched fingers. You might as well spit on my hands.
- Towels and other cloth items in retail shops are not there for your use. People want to buy them and use them. I know that might seem strange but it is how the world works.
- When I advise that your credit /eftpos card has been declined it means it has been declined and you should try for another method of payment. I am not your bank, I did not decline your payment.
- If you want to use your loyalty card in a store, have it ready – don’t wait to be asked and than cause the people behind yo to wait while you go through your pathetic I know it’s here somewhere routine. It’s not funny.
- Shower before shopping. Please.
- Clean your teeth before shopping. I don’t need to know what you had for dinner last night.
- Do your hair. You’re shopping. This is meant to be relaxing and entertaining. Messy hair is scary and it can be a habitat for nasty things.
- Wear shoes. Okay, yes, it is Australia where shoes are, apparently, optional and, yes, it is summer, except in Melbourne where Crown Casino runs a book on the weather season of the day, but shoes are important. They stop you shedding your DNA everywhere. Plus they stop you getting hurt when I step on your toes.
- Don’t talk to me with food in your mouth.
- Cover your mouth when you cough.
- Turn away from me when you sneeze.
- Yes I know you like to wear a g-string and yes, I agree, it’s pretty. No need to flaunt it by bending over at every opportunity in-store and out in the mall.
- Over-buffed muscle-mary guys: I get it that you work out and have an amazing body as a result. yeah, it’s a shrine of beauty. But, hey, cover up. You can look in the mirror at the gym and at home all you like.
- No, guys, scratching yourself, inside your shorts is not okay – especially when going commando.
- No uncles, grandfathers and friends, it is not okay to show young boys the girls of Zoo as part of their education.
- No, it’s not okay to put your empty drink container on the shelf in my store and leave it there.
- The food court is for eating food. Get it? Food court. My shop is not part of the food court.
- My shop is not a public toilet. If your kid urinates, clean it up yourself.
- No, you cannot change your baby on the floor of my show and NO YOU CANNOT GIVE ME THE USED NAPPY FOR ME TO PUT IN THE BIN!
- If you ride into my shop on your ride on scooter I expect you to have the driving skills to get yourself out.
- Of course it is your fault if your overloaded shopping trolley knocks over a display. It was your choice to bring it into the shop. be responsible people!
- Yes, you do need to pay for the wine glass that just happened to fall out of your hand while you fed yourself chips from the tub in your other hand.
- No you can’t use my phone to call your wife to come and pick you up.
- This is not a babysitting service. Your kids are your responsibility. That’s what parenting is about.
- I really don’t know if she will like it. If you ask me in my shop I will always say yes. I want the sale.
- I don’t care what they charge, our price is our price based on what we buy it for. Yes, I know they sold out. How is that my problem?
- No, you don’t need a bag for the newspaper.
- Open your eyes. This is a newsagency, not centre management.
- That smile I have while you search your purse to give me exact change down to the five cent coin is fake. I hate that you do that. It’s not as if five cent coins are being phased out yet. You will get more. Giving me the one in your purse will bring you only fleeting relief.
- No you can’t photocopy a recipe in the food magazine.
- Bratty children are not cute. Be the parent.
- Newspaper customers, wait to pay if we’re busy. It’s rude to throw money at us and leave. You wouldn’t do it at a supermarket.
- I love that you’re talking to a friend on the phone but, hey, I need to talk to you to complete the sale – if you don’t mind.
Car parking, well that’s a whole separate topic.
Before you think I am a bitter and hate-filled retailer in need of retirement … while there are some truths in what I’ve written, it’s mainly in fun … oh, and therapeutic.
Hilarious, best rant ever!
It’s so funny what we think but can’t say, though Basil Faulty did.
I have to disagree though these are not just amateur shoppers, there are people like this around all the time and not just in malls.
After two days off work having fun with family, and no calls from work as shop was shut, I went to bed last night thinking I really don’t want to go back to work tomorrow and I woke this morning thinking the same but your rant will put a smile on my face today when I encounter some of these customers today. Thank you!
PS. Maybe take a couple of days off Basil 🙂
* If your going to haggle with me over price,please dont let it be over $0.35c on a $3.00 item. Also on this, If your going to ask me if i can do any better price on an item,realize im going to quote you on a better price for me!
*Please dont push in past a queue of people for any reason,let alone to ask for change. All customers are appreciated but paying ones get more respect.
*To the gentleman that tried to enter our locked back office,i appreciate your security check at this time of year,however i will hold you until police arrive.
*Your child has been crying since you entered the store,15 minutes ago. Perhaps try comforting it instead of reading your favorite magazine (And not buying it)
*Wait officeworks has it 3 cents cheaper!? why didnt you tell me? have this for free as compensation.
It’s pointless telling me it might be cheaper at Woolies. I’m selling not buying!
Tell me what other business do you walk into and take a product off the shelf, put it under your armpit drop, money on the counter and walk off without a single word. Thought so.
If I’m serving someone and look up at you I’m only acknowledging your presence and saying hello. I’m not asking you to interrupt the customer I’m currently serving.
Don’t ask me for a pen to jot down the number you saw in Just Cars and then put it back on the shelf.
If I’m in the midst of a sales conversation please don’t just walk in and start talking louder than everyone else to interrupt.
Don’t expect me to serve you if you are on the phone. It takes a second to ask your caller to hang on whilst you show some manners and finalise the transaction with me. You wouldn’t do it in person so why just because it’s a phone?
If I say hello it’s not like I’m trying to start a sales pitch or anything and you need to avoid me. I’m just saying hello.
See all the lollies packets at the counter? Please do something about your child who’s running his fingers and hands through them all to see how they fall all out of place and then walks off whist you read a magazine and then eventually walk off yourself.
Thanks Mark. I feel better now as well.
Yes it’s a thin newspaper, No there is no discount because it’s thin, and No I don’t need a running commentary on what’s on the front page I can read it for myself if I wanted to.
*To all the Wednesday only $1.20 H/Sun purchasers – no there is no Wed. weekly TV guide in the paper this week. HWT did not print it, it was not me I do not have a printing press out the back.
*To the locals – there are no free local papers this week not because I did not print them because the publishers did not print them. And by the way I do not have a stack of them stashed out the back nor can I pull them out of my rear no matter how long you scowl at me.
* Yes you do have to BUY the weekly times/ Land to get the rainfall chart. If I see you pull one out of a paper I WILL ask you to pay for the whole paper it came from.
* 40% off all Christmas themed stock does NOT include the Womens Weekly, TV Week, Birthday Cards, Diaries or the $69. clock you have been eyeing off for the last 2 months.
* To the RUDE/ IGNORANT/ NARCISISTIC Newspaper only buyers who throw money at you because they are all TOO important to wait – the Herald Sun has not been $0.80 for YEARS!
* To the nice, pleasant cheerful customer who says please and thank you, asks you how you are and really wants to hear it, compliments you on the shop and whats in it, keeps control of their well behaved and clean children……..THANK YOU – you really do exist and you are appreciated!!!
Well written Mark. While written in good humour, the reality is many of these points are common, rude and annoy us all at some point. Money dropped (thrown) on the counter is not tolerated by us and we make every customer wait until we’ve scanned every item. This is the worst shoppers sin as not only is is rude to us, it is rude to all other customers.
Some other suggestions (and I’m not even a shop owner! LOL)
* No, teenage girls: it’s not essential to shop in packs of four or more. Choose just one friend and enjoy some quality time together.
* Just saw a friend in the mall that you haven’t talked to for, what, 5 years? Yaaaay. Now, go find somewhere, out of the way, to catch up. Just in front of the escalator is not the ideal spot.
* If you’re busy texting on your phone while you walk through a crowded shopping mall and you bump into me because you aren’t watching where you’re going, YOU are the person in the wrong and the one who should apologise.
* You pick one up off the stand, study it closely, turn it over, examine it. It’s fine – perfect, in fact. Buy it. Don’t put it back on the stack with your greasy fingerprints all over it and take the one three down from the top in the pile (leaving the pile disshevelled, and likely to topple over, as a result).
* Be decisive. These are the post-Christmas sales for crying out loud. It’s a time to get in, get what you want and get out. Pottering about in slow motion, wondering whether you really ‘need’ (want) new fluffy bath towels, that purple handbag or the discounted ham in the meat section is not appropriate behaviour.
Mark, mate, I gotta post that on our Caravaners Forum.
Is that OK with you ?
Yes, I understand about Copyright issues, and I don’t care 🙂
If you say ‘No’, I’ll pinch it anyway 😉
Great write up, and so accurate.
Lance go for it!! 🙂
Megan, Brendan, Michelle, Clive, Angelo, Michael, Jenny – I love the additions to the list!!
Oh Mark, that is gold! Absolutely accurate but regarding points 28 and 29 really?
You need to write a book on retail etiquette…
No its not ok to bring the dog into the shop.
Thanks Mark.
For your reference….
http://caravanersforum.com/viewtopic.php?f=9&t=44423
James, we had a teenager bring a snake into our shop once. To say they smell when they deposit is an understatement before I could ask her to clean it up she walked out. And right in front of a busy lotto counter too.
# No I DONT know what the Post Code is for Campbells Creek Victoria
3451
lol
#Nor do I know how much your parcel will cost to send there!
WOW!
Thats all i got for now……
You are all Xmas Grinches and I love you for it.
Our lives are tough in some ways but a sense of humour is an absolute MUST for
retailers.
I hate “jinglers” (money in pocket while waiting for two seconds to pay)
There is obviously a small group of customers that traverses the country bothering us all in the same manner.
1KG parcel. Deception bay -> Campbells Creek: Toll is cheapest at $14.47 but in my personal experience Toll is not reliable.
Mate,
Buy a Post Office!
Yeah, then he can annoy the bloke in the newsagency across the arcade. :-))…………….but only on the days he deems it necessary to open his doors and not take the day off when ppl want stamps.
Hey, why don’t newsagents sell stamps and put the PO outa business ?? 😉
Cause the Pos Office controls who sells stamps.
Was there a problem with the paper deliveries Xmas day?
Do you have fishing licences ,yes we do but ONLY 2 day OR 28 day,
how much for a yearly ?
No local paper on wed “oh what about the tv guide I need the tv guide ” FFS flick through the dam channels it is not the end of the world
Nicole, I can confirm the occurrence of #28. On more than one occasion a child has urinared in our shop … on at least one of those occasions they left and did not clean it up.
No it’s not ok to shit your pants, enter the store and then unknowingly have some it fall out. We do not appreciate such gifts.
Is that an entire bar cake down your pants or does shoplifting just turn you on?
No, if an item doesn’t scan you don’t get it for free. The same if the price on the ticket is out by 2 cents.
No, we won’t honour the price of that special ticket that has been put in front of the wrong product. If it first have that product named on the ticket it isn’t on special.
No you can’t exchange that product you have already opened. I can’t resell it and stick taping the packaging back together is not an acceptable standard.
No, for the millionth time you can not pay bills here. We can only post letters and domestic parcels.
Feeding your child a banana from the display then kicking the skin under the shelving is stealing. The sign says “fresh produce” not “free food”.
Yes I am sure that is how much your parcel is going to cost. I don’t set the postage rates. Complain to AusPost
Yes, a powerhit 40 is just 2 powerhit 20s. Yes I can explain how a powerhit works. No you probably won’t understand it.
Mark can we now add 18B to your list not just shoes but for F’s sake please wear CLOTHES. Its a stinker of a day here in Vic and we don’t make enough $’s to serve even 1 more 50+ unattractive, smelly, HAIRY Male wearing nothing but shorts……..help!
Or better yet michelle … swimmers! At least I hope their wearing swimmers underneath those fat rolls :-S
*they’re
Jarryd – I feel your pain. Hope you are at least close to water (we are in the mountains)
Shauns – Yes it IS the end of the world…..apparently.
Picking your nose and flicking it is now acceptable. This is not your house. Eat it.
rofl out loud enough to wake up hubby who is doing the early start tomorrow.
I have to confess THANKS to
our teetotal driver who has brought in all is “loot” from the retirement village for us to share ( he will get a gift voucher to the equivalent for bike shop where he spends all his spare dosh), to Monika for her home-baked Xmas cake, to the Legacy guy for the pudding, to one of my staff for the reindeer headbands which were such a hoot on Xmas eve, for the three bottles of red and two of white, plus a whisky bottle, from anonymous customers, and just in case you all out there think we are absolute sloshes, thanks for the homemade pinnacotta, shortbread, cornflake cookies, and gingerbread. And especial thanks to young Jordyn who wrote such a beautiful thank you note for keeping his magazines each month, he has parents who value manners and despite his earning difficulties, will go far in life.
And then …… back to the real world..
to the lady who wanted the charity xmas cards at half price today BECAUSE SHE ONLY EVER BUYS HER CARDS AT HALF PRICE
– do try the REJECT shop dearie, that should be about your style
Ya HAVE to laugh eh !!!!
God Bless everyone and a Happy New Year !
No we can’t put everything in the store above child height to protect it from your little brat. Your child is your problem – as is the chocolate he just ate. Keep it on a leash, drug it into a compliant daze, emotionally abuse it into submission – I don’t care how you control it, just don’t let it loose in the shop until you do!
Yes cigarettes are expensive. Yes, you are a bad parent when you buy pack and then tell your daughter you can’t afford the $5 magazine she politely asked for. You’re an even worse parent when you tell the kids to put the bread and milk back on the shelf.
Flashing your tits is not a logical response to being banned from them store. That saggy things are not getting you back in.
No you can not put your poster in our front window. I don’t care what lost child you’re looking for or what charity you’re raising money on behalf of. If we put up every poster you wouldn’t see own store logo!
Yes we are open [insert public holiday here]. The only day we don’t open in Xmas day … the same as it’s been for over a decade!
We are a newsXpress/Foodworks store … so no, we aren’t going to running the special prices in the catalogue you’re holding because its from another store you illiterate idiot.
No. We do not sell cassette tapes, VHS tapes, floppy disks, zip disks, incandescent light bulbs, thermal fax rolls, typewriter ribbon or any other stone age technology your may be looking for. You might have better luck at the antique store across town.
Yes, of course we can hold your local paper for the next four weeks while your away. Yes, we can also hold your weekend Heralds. Yes yes, and the Friday Telegraphs too; and the SMH every second Tuesday; and the Fin review but only on Mondays and Wednesdays – except the very last Wednesday because you’ll buy it on your drive home … Yes, we can pretend your a valued customer and not an annoying prick- we’re skilled multitaskers like that.
No I won’t remove the Zoo, Picture and People mags from the newspaper stand. I will however happily remove people from the store that don’t enjoy shopping there.
Yes, there are cameras on the outside of the store. We might not say it out loud, but yes, we have seen the footage of you doing some late-night sexy-pose photography, and of you walking around with your dick out, and of you so high that you were doing aeroplane circles in the car park, and of you so drunk that you flipped over the railing face first into the garden. This is a small town …. your secrets are definitely not safe with us.
Your bra is not an acceptable place to store money. Exceptions to this rule will be granted at the sole discretion of management. NB – exceptions will only be granted to Victoria Secret models.
Thanks to the lady waiting impatiently to pay for her paper, then when her turn, places a large bag on the counter and begins to dig for $1.90…holding the rest of the customers up…40 seconds later….
Tempting to launch a right cross…..
Jarred, I might move back to the Valley. I don’t remember that much excitement in Singleton but its obviously much more ‘colorful’ these days. Lol
And yet despite all of this I will happily take your money.
And we laugh about these things with our customers too Ted. Don’t make something out of this thread that’s not here.
Of course we do.
Most of the above we can laugh off, but the one customer that really bothers me is the SMH or other subscriber who is rude to my staff, tells me we are running a bad delivery service and then hangs up on me.
I don’t care who you are or where you live, be rude to us again and WE WILL NOT DELIVER TO YOU EVER AGAIN.
And for the record your paper was delivered at approx. 3am this morning.
Thanks BLOG, good therapy.
This thread mainly features in good humour but some of the later posts have taken a more mean-spirited tone. I don’t see the need to refer to my customers as illiterate idiots or belittle people wishing to place posters seeking assistance in finding a lost child. Please explain how this is somehow funny.
And for those of us who are Licensed Post Offices too, no your parcel is not here, no I’m not joking, no I’m sure, truely I am sure! no there is no more mail coming in till after Christmas, no I don’t know what you are going to do about it, do I care? NO Shop locally and this will never happen to you again!!!!
Ted New Year’s Eve tomorrow have a few drinks and fill in post 45 with something funny
ted, its called hyperbole and satire.
Jarryd , you force me to use a dictionary
One that bothers me are the customers that think we store extras if everything out the back. We have maybe 2sq metres of storage space, as is clear for all to see. And if we had extras, we’d replace whatever was gone from the shelf when it was gone, not 3 days later
Great laugh. Thanks all.